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Tweak says, "My Spoon is Too Big"

James Potter doesn't want to talk about it. (jamesopotter) wrote,
@ 2009-07-23 10:54:00

Private to Sirius.

Good morning.

Private to Snape.

Lily keeps pushing to see me and I haven't given her an answer yet. I asked Gaius about it and he said it's my decision but if I see her that he'd like to know.

I guess I'm asking you because you know her about as well as I do, maybe better. Do you think this is a trap so they can grab me and try and fix me, or does she just want to... I don't know... see for herself that I've changed? Because if that's all it is, I don't really mind. Maybe it'll get her to hurry the fuck up and agree to an annulment so it doesn't drag on.

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	James. seirios 2009-07-23 03:20 pm UTC (link)
	It's morning already? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Sirius. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 03:32 pm UTC (link)
	Sun's out, so I figured as much. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	James. seirios 2009-07-23 03:33 pm UTC (link)
	Does this mean I have to get up? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Pads. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 03:34 pm UTC (link)
	Have you gone to bed yet? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Prongs. seirios 2009-07-23 03:35 pm UTC (link)
	That is my current location. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Pads. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 03:37 pm UTC (link)
	Good. You need to take care of yourself. We have a lot of living left to do once this shit is over. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Prongs. seirios 2009-07-23 03:39 pm UTC (link)
	Yes, Mum. We've been saying that so long, I don't know if I believe it ever will be over at this rate. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Pads. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 03:48 pm UTC (link)
	Would that be my mum or your mum? One is slightly more insulting than the other! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Prongs. seirios 2009-07-23 03:50 pm UTC (link)
	Your Mum! I think mine would only complain if I started getting bags under my eyes, for aesthetic reasons. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Pads. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 03:51 pm UTC (link)
	Don't get mad. But have you noticed that before I left we'd hardly talked for weeks because everything was too fucking intense but now that I've changed it's like some things are more back to normal than before? Just a thought... (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Prongs. seirios 2009-07-23 03:52 pm UTC (link)
	We didn't talk because you were banged up in a nut house, James. And you were busy with Lily and shit. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Pads. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 03:53 pm UTC (link)
	I mean before that. Before the center. Things were different. We never joked. Since Agnes, practically. This is better. I'd missed you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Prongs. seirios 2009-07-23 03:55 pm UTC (link)
	It wasn't since Agnes. It was since Regulus, because I asked you to lie for me and we had that huge blow out. I don't blame you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Pads. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 04:05 pm UTC (link)
	I blame me. I wish I could do it all over again. You were right. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Prongs. seirios 2009-07-23 04:06 pm UTC (link)
	It's not as if I don't love being told that, but which part? What could we really do differently? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Pads. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 04:08 pm UTC (link)
	I could have been less a twat about it. I should have been completely on your side. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Prongs. seirios 2009-07-23 04:11 pm UTC (link)
	He wasn't your responsibility. He was mine and I blew it. James, when you disappeared, have you got any idea how freaked out I was? I hadn't just done it to one brother - I managed it with both! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Pads. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 04:15 pm UTC (link)
	You didn't blow it with Regulus. You tried to help him like you always try to help me. I'm never going to leave you. You know that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Prongs.

seirios
2009-07-23 04:21 pm UTC (link)

I know, it was stupid to think that way.

After all that, I tried to sever all ties with anyone I'd ever given a damn about that. I couldn't see them as the same person. I thought maybe it would help. Then he died anyway and it didn't help ~~so I'm not going to make that mistake with you~~ and I don't think I'm drunk enough to have this kind of whine this morning.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Pads.

jamesopotter
2009-07-23 05:05 pm UTC (link)

I feel bad for Regulus now in a way I never did before. I guess I understand, looking at it from this direction.

But the difference between him and and me is this: No one. No way. Could ever turn me into a Death Eater.

Reggie and I are a lot alike in some ways... but he wasn't strong enough to say no because he agreed with the principles. I am. And that's why I know that you and me are going to get through this.

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	Prongs. seirios 2009-07-23 05:14 pm UTC (link)
	I always knew the pressures. It wasn't his fault, entirely. People can be persuasive. Sometimes you do just want to make people proud of you. That's not weakness. It's fear and we all have that. I know you would never do that. You're James Potter, after all. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Pads. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 05:19 pm UTC (link)
	It was a little iffy there for a few days, but yeah. I'm James Potter. And just so you know, in case you were curious, no one has mentioned Death Eaters to me. Sometimes I think they might be saying things in code but they've been very careful to keep me out of everything. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Prongs. seirios 2009-07-23 05:21 pm UTC (link)
	No one will ever change that. Only James Potter yells at me when I don't sleep enough. I wouldn't have asked. I didn't need to ask. I know that you would never put me in that position. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Pads. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 05:27 pm UTC (link)
	You're right. I never would. Wish I could do more, but for now I think we're stuck feeling all of this out. It's not the end of the world. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Prongs. seirios 2009-07-23 05:31 pm UTC (link)
	I know. I know I've been hard on you in the last couple of days. It's just tiredness. I think I finally understand how you felt in second year. We don't need to feel anything out. We know where we stand with each other. I said it to you before you got married and I'll say it again now: you can't get rid of me that easily. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Pads. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 05:51 pm UTC (link)
	We're stuck with each other. I like it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Prongs. seirios 2009-07-23 05:52 pm UTC (link)
	Didn't McGoogles always say we were? Completely inseperable, James Potter and Sirius Black. Fuck anyone who thinks that will ever change. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Pads. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 07:27 pm UTC (link)
	Does that mean you like me better than Jonesy? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Prongs. seirios 2009-07-23 07:32 pm UTC (link)
	Don't be ridiculous. You're much more important. She's just a girl. (Reply to this) (Parent)

Potter.

fortiscadere
2009-07-23 05:03 pm UTC (link)

~~It's a toss up which of you is in more danger~~

I've only spoken to her briefly, so it's hard to get a real feel for what she's trying to do at the moment. I'm going to try to spend some more time talking to her and figure out what she thinks is going to happen.

That said, even if it is all that she wants to see for herself that you've changed, I think it might be wise to put it off for a couple of weeks.

My logic is simply thus - you are freshly out of rehabilitation yourself. I know that you say you care nothing, and it's been a mistake, and so forth, but seeing someone in person can make things more complicated. She is fairly heavily pregnant at this point, and the last month is always hard on a mother emotionally and physically. When is the baby due? I would recommend waiting until after that point. I know it puts off the annulment a while, but you will be emotionally secure, and she will be physically more sound.

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	Snape. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 05:08 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah. Makes sense, I guess. She's due any day now so it still won't be that long. Thanks. It was a toss up between asking you and asking Uncle Charlus but I figured since he doesn't know her he wouldn't be able to see things from any point of view except protecting me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Potter.

fortiscadere
2009-07-23 05:47 pm UTC (link)

What is the actual due date - do you remember? I realise babies are somewhat unpredictable, but it would give us a figure at least.

Although you think it's a mistake you've given me no indication that you wish her any harm. I honestly think for both of your sakes that holding off until there is more emotional stability is going to ensure the best outcome for every one involved.

She has already asked me to be there if you agree to meet her. If Gaius wants to someone to go with you I am willing to be the neutral party for both of you.

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Severus.

jamesopotter
2009-07-23 05:56 pm UTC (link)

July 31 is what they told us, but the healers said that your first kid usually runs a week late. Lils would know better than me. I left it all up to her.

And no, I don't want to see her dead or anything. I just want to have her... gone. From my life. And from my history. That's all.

I don't know if it'd be a good idea to have you there honestly. It's too fucking confusing, since you're good but you're bad and even you don't seem to know whose side you're on at this point.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Potter.

fortiscadere
2009-07-23 06:03 pm UTC (link)

A couple of weeks would be good for both of you, so I think that would be good, even if it is frustrating to leave things unresolved.

Well, the annulment will do that, and this way you'll ensure she's not able to emotionally blackmail you in some way.

Which is precisely why I make a reasonably good neutral party. Think of it this way I'm possibly the only perfect neutral party. I want to see Lily safe and alive - if she's worried about there being some sort of trap I can soothe that fear for her - and I'm perfectly happy to see you annul the marriage, so I'm not going to want the Order to kidnap you and 'fix' you.

Can you honestly think of another person who would be better?

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	Snape. jamesopotter 2009-07-23 06:07 pm UTC (link)
	Sirius. This isn't meant to offend you in any way, but you have to see why it might be difficult for me to trust you. We had a pleasant enough evening the other night at Uncle Charlus's but me, without a workable wand, trusting you and Lils? Maybe Gaius could come along... (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Potter. fortiscadere 2009-07-23 06:10 pm UTC (link)
	A) You think Black isn't constantly using what brain cells he possesses to figure out a way to 'fix' you? B) Do you honestly think I want to see you and Lily stay married? Why would I help her to that end? C) And maybe we could all have a giant tea party and forget this secret meeting nonsense in the first place. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Snape.

jamesopotter
2009-07-23 06:13 pm UTC (link)

A) Yes. I know that he isn't because we already met with no one knowing and he knew my wand was shit and he didn't try anything because he is my best friend and he won't do something he thinks might hurt me.

B) No. I don't think you do. But I think there's probably still enough bad blood between us buried somewhere that you could see your opportunity to let me die be as good a way as any to end our marriage.

C) I like tea.

D) I'm not trying to be a prat. Strangely enough I feel as if it's easy to be honest with you, and I don't hold any ill feelings toward you. But it's not as easy for me to believe that the opposite is true. You haven't been rehabilitated and I don't see why you'd hate me much less now than you did before.

I'm trying to be reasonable... it's not easy... but I've been reading a lot.

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Potter.

fortiscadere
2009-07-23 06:21 pm UTC (link)

A) I'd come up with something else there, but that might be ascribing him more intelligence than I typically do.

B) I don't think Lils wants to kill you. Could be wrong there, but I think I'm not and if I did something that let you die, she'd probably kill me.

C) So do I, but generally speaking Purists plan their guest lists pretty carefully and muggleborns and halfbloods aren't invited, so if you want tea with Gaius do it on your own time.

I don't know what to think of you Potter, but you no longer wish to be married to Lily, and you actually are talking half sense. And even if you were just saving your friends, you kept me from being a werewolf. ~~I owe you something.~~ It's not happening tomorrow and I'm not opposed to someone you feel comfortable with - but it needs to be someone who isn't going to make the situation worse.

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Snape.

jamesopotter
2009-07-23 06:34 pm UTC (link)

Z) Sirius is a genius.

Y) You make a good point.

X) Uncle Charlus seems to like you.

Addendum.

I think that's the first time you've ever actually admitted that I did something good back then. And for the record, I didn't just save your life to save my friends. I wouldn't have let you die even if I knew they'd have gotten away with it.

And knowing us? They probably would have.

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James.

fortiscadere
2009-07-23 06:49 pm UTC (link)

Q) That's debatable.

R) Naturally.

S) I seem to be the exception to the rule - unless said tea parties are for marrying off daughters, and then I am still a halfblood.

Well, I'm generally thankful to not be a werewolf, yes. Big damn hero, aren't you Potter?

You know, and there are all these questions of why I threw my towel in with the Death Eaters. Ironically, perhaps, they treated me like a real live human being not a dirt under their shoes.

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Sev.

jamesopotter
2009-07-23 07:26 pm UTC (link)

T) Not to me.

W) Not to me.

A) Glad I don't have any sisters.

T) And that's not what I was getting at. I didn't do it to be a hero. I did it because it was the right thing to do, not that you'd ever have believed that.

And the end part is sort of crap too, because there are people who had it worse than you that turned out just fine. And then there are people like Frenchy (who purist or not is a complete dick) who never had a bad thing happen to them and they threw in their lot with the Death Eaters because they're murderers and looking for a way to make it legal.

I've got no respect for someone who only holds to purism because it gives them an excuse to behave like a cunt. But that's between me and you...

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James.

fortiscadere
2009-07-23 07:36 pm UTC (link)

3) Perhaps we'll agree to disagree

F) If you stay reasonable maybe we'll get there.

A) Same. I can't imagine the sort of treatment any sister of mine would have gotten.

4. Sometimes you do act on something because it's right. Believe it or not, even a Slytherin can agree on that - although it's better if it someway benefits you or can be worked to your advantage rather than just standing up and saying 'look at me doing the right thing'. In your case, it seems to have gotten you Head Boy, so it wasn't entirely unSlytherin of you, actually.

The interesting thing about growing up is that you begin to realise that every side has their hypocrites and undesirables so in the end it's about who and what you are more than it is about who they are. But that's not clear at the age of seventeen. It's far easier to see hypocrisy in people you dislike, rather than those that you do. At least, it was for me.

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